Defending Lena Dunham('s Ugliness)

Okay, I get it. You don’t like GIRLS. Neither do most people who aren’t middle to upper class white girls in their late teens to mid-twenties. And dude, I totally get that. If you want to relate or identify with your television show, GIRLS is not really the way to go if you’re anyone outside of that small niche.

Honestly, I like GIRLS for the most part. I think Allison Williams is a pretty shitty actress (and so awkward!!!) and Jemima Kirke has yet to impress me but I think Zosia Mamet is phenomenal (yes I understand she got the gig because of her playwright father, but I think she is great and unlike the other “girls” is actually acting instead of just playing herself) and well, Lena, I feel her.

Let me preface. I think it’s fucking annoying how Lena only got this opportunity because of her parents, wealth, and whiteness but I think she is clever and funny and is a genuinely good writer, or is at least good at writing about herself. But Lena is ugly. And chubby. I know it would be way cooler and a lot more progressive if she came from a lower to middle class background and was a WoC. But I don’t think GIRLS should be dismissed just because she doesn’t fit a certain politically correct criteria (wow I sound like such a white feminist right now!!?). But like I said: I feel her. I’m white and pretty unattractive if you’re comparing me to typical standards of beauty. I weigh fifteen pounds more than I would like. My thighs are too big and my tits are too small and I have too much of a tummy (just like Lena!!).

I may not be rich but part of the reason I like GIRLS is because Lena is, upon your interpretation, making fun of rich, white sheltered young women, a lot like many of the girls I brush shoulders with at NYU. Which is why I find it interesting that as a comedy (I think it qualifies??) it is getting so much criticism for not being PC while there are a ridiculous amount of other comedies/sitcoms that are not PC and are praised for being, like, the greatest shows on television (Arrested Development, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Workaholics, etc.—all of which I love by the by).

Okay, so back to the whole ugliness thing. I was prompted to write this post in the first place because I’ve seen a ridiculous amount of criticism towards Lena in the past week, but not because she is wealthy or white or because her show fails to be a beacon of intersectional feminism. Most of the criticism has been, not surprisingly, of her appearance. And I say “not surprisingly” because as most people know it is not unusual for women, particularly in Hollywood, to be criticized for their appearance rather than their acting, writing, art, etc. Even if you don’t like the show, of which there are a multitude of reasons not to, why decide to criticize her ugliness or fatness or her inability to walk in high heels? If anything, I think those are Lena’s best attributes and what make the success of GIRLS at all subversive.

And what is again not surprising is that this superficial criticism is coming from other women! Particularly white women! Who seem to be attempting to put on an intersectional façade by hating the show yet criticizing it for all the wrong reasons. I know I shouldn’t be policing someone’s criticism since that is not very “feminist” of me, but Jesus, if you are going to hate on GIRLS why not deem it racist (remember when Adam told Lena she looked like a “Mexican teenager” and no one blew up about that but instead latched on to the prevalence of Lena’s unabashed nudity on screen?), or not intersectional, or simply a vehicle for Lena Dunham to be a complete narcissist (though I think criticizing her narcissism is a bit misogynistic, but to each her own) or even complain about the lack of thespian abilities among its actors? The fact that Lena Dunham is ugly is not the issue. Since the show’s beginning, I wonder what would happen if, say, Hannah was played by like a Scarlett Johansson type uber hottie. Would the show receive more or less praise? Would there be more or less complaints about its lack of WoC? What if it were BOYS and the cast was composed of only white male actors?

So basically, I’m trying to say two things. One, GIRLS never claimed to be “feminist” and as we all know by now, it’s not (or at least the type of intersectional, trans* inclusive feminism most feminists identify with and advocate currently) and if you’re going to criticize GIRLS for anything and still claim to be a “feminist”, why criticize a young, if not privileged, woman's appearance? Even if you don’t like her or her show, calling her a “little fat girl who kind of looks like Jonah Hill” (okay that was Howard Stern, whatever) isn’t going to make her show any more inclusive or make you look like a better feminist.

The White Girl

Let’s be honest: We all love to hate white girls, especially if you’re also a white girl.

I often partake in white girl bashing, which is exemplified on my blog (and Twitter and Tumblr and all other corners of my Internet presence) but once I began to see my white girls friends being bashed by other white girls—“She’s so hoity-toity, so uppity, so jappy, so [insert some misogynistic term girls often use against other girls here].” I began to realize that when we claim to “hate” these girls, it often has more to do with hating hyper-feminine qualities rather than hating them for legitimate reasons (like, you know, these white girls being racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, or just genuinely shitty people).

Where is the line between hating whiteness and hating the white girl?

Yes, the white girl is white, and I think hating white people or whiteness in general (similar to my thoughts on saying “I hate men”) can be a valid, if not sometimes hyperbolic, expression of frustration with our white (and in regards to the “men” bit, patriarchal) society and all the idiots it produces. But why should we hate the girl? If there is anything I have learned from feminist theory, and particularly bell hooks, is that sisterhood is one of the—or at least one of my—most important tenets of feminism. I will always believe a woman’s account over a man’s account, will often if not always take the woman’s side to an argument, I will always stand by a girl’s side no matter what (yes, I understand this is bias, but no, this is not sexism “against men”).

But that’s not to say I don’t dislike, or don’t hate, any girl/woman. Most of the hatred I felt, and still at times feel towards “white girls”, is a result of growing up in an affluent, predominantly white town where my classmates, particularly female, were awful people (probably a result of their extravagant, sheltered lifestyles). They costumed themselves as “Native Americans” for Halloween, listened to Lil’ Wayne religiously yet would never even consider befriending a black classmate, called each other “nigga”, envied me for having “GBF” (gay best friend, a term I learned sophomore year when I first learned this was a “cool” thing to be in possession of) yet were inveterately homophobic, and ended up going to overpriced private universities because, well, they fucked up in high school but their parents still had enough to money to get them a nursing degree (and hopefully a boyfriend with a lot of money, too).

I can think of a couple of girls from high school I would gladly punch in the face, all of whom are white.

Yet I don’t hate these girls for their femininity as much as I hate them for their whiteness and their excessive wealth. The “GBF” ordeal is fuzzy, since it’s a stereotypically female desire to want a gay boyfriend to tote around your shopping bags and tell you how to give good a blowjob. But generally, feminine qualities have never bothered me because a. hating femininity is an act of misogyny and b. most girls who are deem themselves as “unfeminine” are attempting to other themselves from “normal” girls, which is just another, if not less blatant way of seeking out male attention (i.e. “I’m not like other girls because I play video games, watch horror films, and eat Big Macs!!—great article on this by Chelsea Fagan here).

By hating “white girls” are we not just giving boys and men the opportunity to join in on this white girl bashing? I am not saying that by being critical of femininity (which I think is extremely valid and important) you are giving each member of the male population the right to join in on this criticism, but by straight up bashing (white) women with feminine attributes are we not just participating in a misogynistic practice? What does it mean to hate women for acting like women, or at least how women are taught to act?

I am not stating that that every white girl is immune to criticism since, being white and often wealthy, they can do and say really stupid things. Rather, I am asking that the next time you are criticizing a white girl, what are you criticizing her for? Is it because she is being racist or classist or some other form of –ist or because she is complaining about the size of her thighs and keeps bugging you about some guy she has a crush on?

And as much as I get frustrated with white girls feigning mental illness, white girls posting pictures of their bruised arms on Tumblr, white girls culturally appropriating and claiming it as “appreciation”, at this moment in time, because of both personal and political situations, I think I am most frustrated with white girls hating other white girls for acting like girls. It’s not their (our) fault they (we) got socialized to be melodramatic, boy crazy, talkative, insecure people.

How Should a Feminist Be?

“I’m a feminist so I believe in inhabiting contradictions. I believe in making contradictions productive, not in having to choose one side or the other side. As opposed to choosing either or, choosing both.”

Angela Davis 

I have a confession to make: I love being catcalled.

Another confession: I gain an inordinate amount of my self-worth from male attention.

I guess I should preface this blog post by saying that I do not have a single ounce of respect for the men that catcall me and, in theory, know that I shouldn’t want them to catcall me. I used to wonder why they even felt compelled to say anything at all. Do you really think I’m going to sleep with you if you say I’m cute, call me “baby”, say I have a nice ass? But I soon realized that we have a symbiotic relationship, these men and I. I gain a sense of self-worth from their comments while they get to reinforce their forever-fleeting facade of masculinity (which, I can very well guess, is tied into their own sense of self-worth).

My feminist sisters, I am sorry but I do not attempt to hide from the male gaze or even hate it.  I look for it wherever I can. Walking to class, wandering the village, waiting for the subway—I seek it out everywhere.

God Dammit, just fucking looking at me.

Objectify me, I don’t care, just validate my presence, tell me I’m pretty, tell me my hair is “fucking gorgeous”, tell me something so I can look in the mirror tonight and feel okay about myself.

Walking with my friends a couple weeks ago a man saw me, stopped in his tracks, and told me I was “cute as hell”. I giggled, blushed, and walked on, while my gal pals went on to a rant about how disgusting and sexist men are. If you know me at all, you know that I’m very, very (cannot italicize this enough) into straight male bashing and calling them out on their patriarchal bullshit behavior. While I’m usually the one initiating and leading these misandric discussions, on this specific occasion I was at a loss for words. I wanted to tell them, “But I’m glad he said I was ‘cute as hell’! I wish every guy thought I was ‘cute as hell’! I wish every guy in the whole wide world thought I was beautiful and wanted to fuck me!”

Previous to going to college in New York City, I was neither catcalled nor even really paid attention to by any men besides my best friend (who’s gay) and my dad. I saw myself as sexually undesirable and thus, at least from what I can perceive from the lack (and by lack I mean nonexistence) of sex I had in high school, was seen as sexually undesirable by the general male population. I always have had and continue to have a complicated relationship with sex and recognizing myself as a sexual being which I think might be the root of my seemingly unwarranted thirst for external validation from random men.

My third and final confession: I am terrified of publishing this blog post. I have never talked to any other women or read an article or essay written by a woman that has admitted to having the same complicated relationship with catcalling that I happen to have. Self-declared feminists and even those who would never even dare to identify as a feminist have confirmed the verdict again and again: catcalling is bad and as women we should hate the men that do it (which I do, by the by, but I hate all men in general).

Feminist sisters, what do I do about this? How do I expunge myself of the internalized misogyny that subsists within me? Is the pleasure I receive from a catcall a sign of weakness? Can I be forgiven?

As feminists we are told not to judge other women, to respect their decisions no matter how ostensibly un-feminist they are. But where do we draw the line? If I am dubbed as anti-feminist for gaining a large portion of my self-worth from male attention (disclaimer: I am 100% not advocating that you should use this as means for your own validation) what about all the other self-identifying feminists who participate in “un-feminist” things?

What do we say to the woman who derives sexual pleasure from participating in rape fantasies, the adolescent who receives gratification from submitting her pictures to Is Anyone Up?, even the girl who, like many of us, adheres to stereotypical notions of beauty by wearing a full face of makeup?

Tell me how to think but don’t actually tell me how to think. Tell me how to feel but don’t actually tell me how to feel. Please tell me, but don't actually tell me, how should a feminist be?

Male Privilege and White Privilege: A Beginner’s Guide

Recently, especially on the Internet—specifically Facebook—I’ve been getting a lot of flack for telling men they can’t be victims of sexism and telling white people they can’t be victims of racism. I mean, I’m not posting on the walls of my Facebook friends telling them this. A lot of the times, as the “crazy feminist bitch” I am, I’ll post some link or state my opinion on some issue or share something funny from Bitch Media. It’s my Facebook and I’m pretty sure I’m entitled to post whatever I want. At least I think that’s how it works? But seriously, my feminist friends, don’t post ANYTHING about white people or even worse, white men, being privileged or some real shit will go down. They will get really offended, tell you your opinions are factually incorrect, and complain that they have been victims of racism and/or sexism! Maybe one time they were called a cracker. SO OFFENSIVE! I can’t even imagine the mental trauma they must have gone through. And even some girls will come to their rescue, stating that sexism and racism affect everyone. I mean one time I knew this guy and this girl called him a heterodouche and he was, like, really upset. I can’t even imagine how he felt. Discriminated for being a heterosexual! I wonder what it feels like to be discriminated against based on your sexual preference. That must hurt a lot. I mean ask that hetero guy, because he definitely knows.

Much to my dismay, being a bitch isn’t getting my point across, or making any of the white people and men and especially white men understand what I’m saying. So, for those of you who don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, I’m gonna give you the lowdown. Because all kidding aside, I really, really, really want people to understand what I mean when I talk about privilege.

Okay let’s start with the white people:

What’s up! I’m white too. Really white. Sometimes I pretend my Jewness makes me not white but I am seriously a straight up cracker. And guess what? I can never be a victim of racism. And neither can you! Here’s why:

Racism isn’t that bullshit you read on dictionary.com. Why? Because a. a white dude made up that definition so he can claim that PoC can be racist towards him and his white comrades and b. racism goes a lot deeper than just discriminating against someone because of his/her skin color.

We live in a white society. I mean, not everyone is white (duh). Actually most people aren’t white, which is why it actually makes no sense. But when I say we live in a white society I’m saying that everyone who is born into this society is dominated and controlled by white people (specifically, you guessed it, white men). White is just not a race. It’s an ideology. Whiteness has permeated our psyches since birth. Every person that is not white is subjected to a culture that inherently rejects them. Which sucks. White people, including me, are fucking lucky to be born white. We were born with this advantage that we didn’t even earn. Being white is definitely the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

I could go into a long discussion about how inherently racist and oppressive the culture in which we live in is but basically what I’m saying is that if you’re white, you’re in a position of power. Racism = prejudice + power. When you do, say, or participate in something discriminatory against PoC (which is anyone and everyone who isn’t white) you are being racist. You are white; you are in power. When a PoC makes fun of you for being white, yeah, they’re discriminating against you. But you are not systematically oppressed by a white system. You contribute to that system simply by benefiting from it. Thus, you’re not a victim of racism.

bell hooks telling white people to stfu:

“Why is it so difficult for many white folks to understand that racism is oppressive not because white folks have prejudicial feelings about blacks (they could have such feelings and leave us alone) but because it is a system that promotes domination and subjugation?” 

My thoughts exactly, bell.

P.S. Accepting your white privilege is not that hard. And I know, you can’t do anything about being white. Which is true. But being aware of your whiteness is helpful. And not bitching about reverse racism (which doesn’t exist by the way) and why there isn’t a “white history month” is also helpful. As a white person I try to be the best white person I can be. Even though I will always be privileged, I recognize my privilege, which is what you should do too.  And for Christ’s sake don’t call your friends, or anyone else for that matter, “nigga”.

P.P.S. I am not trying to speak for or in place of PoC right now. I am just trying to tell fellow white people they are being ignorant and stupid. I was once (and still am) ignorant and stupid too but I try to be not as ignorant and stupid as I used to be.

On to sexism:

Okay, so I’m not a dude, so I can’t really relate to y’all on this one. But that makes it even more fun because I can call you out on your shit without even being a bit self-deprecating (wee!). Sexism pretty much works the same way as racism. As well as living in a white society, we live in a patriarchal society. By this I mean that we live in a society that oppressive towards women. Just as PoC are born into a society that rejects them, women (including WoC) are born into a society that not only forces them to fit a “feminine” role (i.e. passive, nice, nurturing, maternal, submissive, pretty, small, etc.) but also views them as intrinsically unequal. Just as racism = prejudice + power, sexism = prejudice + power, except sexism’s prejudice is based on gender rather than race. I don’t want to say being a woman sucks, but it’s definitely a lot shittier than being a dude. It wasn’t until I realized the patriarchy existed until I realized, “Wow, that’s why I hate(d) myself so much!” I don’t want to get too personal, but I’ve had a lot of issues with my body, general appearance, and sexuality since elementary school. The fact that I was saving up for approximately nine plastic surgery procedures at the age of twelve is by no means normal and I don’t think that my feelings of self-loathing were natural, either. Even currently my thoughts about myself are highly affected by the patriarchy, even though I am completely aware of why I think such thoughts.

P.S. When I say “men” or “dude” I mean heterosexual cismen. I really didn’t feel like typing that out every time, sorry y’all.

We’re not all equal. Humans might all have the same “fundamental rights” (I am leaving out gay/queer rights here because that’s a completely different tale) but the fact that we all have the right to vote in the presidential election or drink from the same water fountain does in no way eradicate the ideological oppression that continues to dictate our thoughts and actions. What we have left now is the residue of the more blatant inequality that existed in our country and just because it is less tangible does not mean it does not exist. In fact, it could even be said that this unapparent oppression is even more dangerous. It much more difficult to completely extirpate and replace the values a nation has possessed for hundreds of years.

So ALL I’M ASKING is that you recognize your privilege(s). I’m not saying you should be consistently aware of the fact that your life is easier in a lot of ways but maybe the next time you make a joke about feminists needing to make you a sandwich or say something like, “He just got into Harvard because he’s black!” you’ll realize you’re highly affected by the white patriarchal hegemony that exists in our nation. Or at least you’ll at least realize you’re a complete douche.