I have a confession to make: I love being catcalled.“I’m a feminist so I believe in inhabiting contradictions. I believe in making contradictions productive, not in having to choose one side or the other side. As opposed to choosing either or, choosing both.”
Angela Davis
Another confession: I gain an inordinate amount of my self-worth
from male attention.
I guess I should preface this blog post by saying that I do
not have a single ounce of respect for the men that catcall me and, in
theory, know that I shouldn’t want them to catcall me. I used to wonder why
they even felt compelled to say anything at all. Do you really think I’m going
to sleep with you if you say I’m cute, call me “baby”, say I have a nice ass? But I soon realized that we have a symbiotic relationship,
these men and I. I gain a sense of self-worth from their comments while they
get to reinforce their forever-fleeting facade of masculinity (which, I can
very well guess, is tied into their own sense of self-worth).
My feminist sisters, I am sorry but I do not attempt to hide
from the male gaze or even hate it. I
look for it wherever I can. Walking to class, wandering the village, waiting
for the subway—I seek it out everywhere.
God Dammit, just
fucking looking at me.
Objectify me, I don’t
care, just validate my presence, tell me I’m pretty, tell me my hair is
“fucking gorgeous”, tell me something
so I can look in the mirror tonight and feel okay about myself.
Walking with my friends a couple weeks ago
a man saw me, stopped in his tracks, and told me I was “cute as hell”. I giggled,
blushed, and walked on, while my gal pals went on to a rant about how disgusting
and sexist men are. If you know me at all, you know that I’m very, very (cannot italicize this enough) into straight male bashing and calling them out on their patriarchal bullshit behavior. While I’m usually the
one initiating and leading these misandric discussions, on this specific
occasion I was at a loss for words. I wanted to tell them, “But I’m glad he
said I was ‘cute as hell’! I wish every guy thought I was ‘cute as hell’! I
wish every guy in the whole wide world thought I was beautiful and wanted to
fuck me!”
Previous to going to college in New York City, I was neither
catcalled nor even really paid attention to by any men besides my best friend
(who’s gay) and my dad. I saw myself as sexually undesirable and thus, at least
from what I can perceive from the lack (and by lack I mean nonexistence) of sex
I had in high school, was seen as sexually undesirable by the general male population. I always have had and continue to have a complicated relationship with sex and recognizing myself
as a sexual being which I think might be the root of my seemingly unwarranted thirst
for external validation from random men.
My third and final confession: I am terrified of publishing this blog post. I have never talked to any
other women or read an article or essay written by a woman that has admitted to
having the same complicated relationship with catcalling that I happen to have.
Self-declared feminists and even those who would never even dare to identify as
a feminist have confirmed the verdict again and again: catcalling is bad and as
women we should hate the men that do it (which I do, by the by, but I hate all
men in general).
Feminist sisters, what do I do about this? How do I expunge
myself of the internalized misogyny that subsists within me? Is the pleasure I
receive from a catcall a sign of weakness? Can I be forgiven?
As feminists we are told not to judge other women, to
respect their decisions no matter how ostensibly un-feminist they are. But
where do we draw the line? If I am dubbed as anti-feminist for gaining a large portion of my self-worth from male attention (disclaimer: I am 100% not advocating that you
should use this as means for your own validation) what about
all the other self-identifying feminists who participate in “un-feminist”
things?
What do we say to the woman who derives sexual pleasure from
participating in rape fantasies, the adolescent who receives gratification from
submitting her pictures to Is Anyone Up?, even the girl who, like many of us,
adheres to stereotypical notions of beauty by wearing a full face of makeup?
Tell me how to think but don’t actually tell me how to
think. Tell me how to feel but don’t actually tell me how to feel. Please tell me, but don't actually tell me, how should a feminist be?
i love you so much
ReplyDeletethis is really really well written and i can promise you, my response will not come even close to touching the elegance of your writing.
ReplyDeletethat being said, is it the male attention in the cat call that you are responding to? would you respond just as strongly to another girl approaching you and telling you she loved what you were wearing or your hair? forgive my assumptions, but is it possible your simply responding the the flattery of a stranger noticing your physical attributes? i don't think your giving yourself enough credit though either. i don't think as a feminist you should ever degrade yourself for responding the positive, albeit aggressive and disgusting, response your presence provokes. i don't think it makes you any less of a women to respond, just like cat calling makes me no more of a man.
that's my two sense as a straight white guy, so take it for what it's worth but i thought i'd share.
also if you haven't heard them yet, there are a couple girls out of nyc who do some killer slam poetry on this topic.
their names are jessica bland on and ka'mone felix i think, but you should look them up on youtube. you may really like them.
found this from rookie! beautifully written piece, and loved how you addressed the inconvenient nuances. as someone who for years was involved in the kink scene, it *seems* to me that you enjoy the power dynamic aspect of catcalling, maybe? i don't know you of course, but that's immediately what i thought of as i read this! that's where rape fantasies come from - a loss of power, which in consensual sexual situations, is really a fetish for many women. even feminist women are involved with BDSM, and many go into BDSM because of feminism. you should think about exploring this from a kink perspective - perhaps its a fetish, and your mind's way of telling you that submissiveness is a part who you are. consensual play involving unequal power is a LOT of fun and it seems like something you would be into :) good luck!
ReplyDeleteYour extremely low self-esteem/self-worth should be desiring attention from a therapist, not men. Catcalling is not intended to make you feel better. These men who are catcalling you and making you think you're "gorgeous" also catcall girls who are having a bad hairday/are looking their worst because it has nothing to do with the way you look. Its just a need for power, to make the women feel vulnerable. This really has nothing to do with being a feminist as much as a emotionally and mentally stable human being who shouldn't like to be treated as an object to make themselves feel better.
ReplyDeleteIf you actually read the post instead of reading into it, you would have noticed she doesn't have abnormally low self-esteem. I agree with others who have commented that catcalling can be flattering. As far as catcallers who are trying to make those they yell at feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, please note that you are, in effect, doing the same thing to this blogger.
DeleteYou completely invalidate their point though - catcalling (eg. Street harassment) isn't a wanted or flattering thing for every single woman who has to experience it. Yes, I agree attacking the writer with jabs to her personal self esteem is the wrong way to go about it - but you also have to understand the flip side of the argument presented in this article: being hooted at by strangers is not everyone's cup of tea - and for a lot of people it's unwanted and unnerving.
Deletehi,
ReplyDeleteI am a Rookie reader as well. I want to say that I too derive an enormous part of my self worth from sexual validation from males (including catcalling) and am also a staunch feminist. I have to say though, I have never felt guilty about this due to it's seemingly non-feminist nature... I do not police my own rights to be a sexually validated woman by whatever method I prefer, just as I would never police the rights of other women. In my opinion, policing women is the only "non-feminist" crime a feminist can commit. On what grounds could a feminist criticize you for loving male attention? She may consider you weak, dependent or even slutty- to her, your behavior is perpetuating the negative female stereotypes that are responsible for the continued oppression of our sex. In essence she is blaming you (and women "like" you) for continued female oppression. Thus, in her eyes, the oppression you experience as a female is the fault of your own weakness or sluttiness. Is her logic not identical to that of a rape apologist? Remember that feminism should be about HUMAN RIGHTS and FEMALE EMPOWERMENT. Your desire to be catcalled seems perfectly in line with both of those things.
And let me clarify that it is *your* human right to be sexually validated by anything, unless it breaches the human right of another (and I cannot see how enjoying catcalling would breach the human rights of another). However, catcalling may easily be seen as an injunction on human rights.
Deleteas well as the post itself, i want to frame this comment and hang it on my wall. this is exactly the "brand" of feminism i believe in - or i.e. how i want my own feminist ideals to manifest. thank you for expressing clearly and eloquently what i've been grappling with for ages! <33
DeleteYou're not alone! And I needed to read this, as lately I've been having some conflicting feelings about the male gaze. I've also been wondering if I'm not really feminist because I openly check out men and women (although, granted, my 'female gaze' doesn't lead me to harass or rape). But the main issue is that I dress for men half the week, and for women the other half. I like wearing short skirts and low-cut tops. I like it when people of any sex look at me or compliment me, as long as it doesn't cross any boundaries. I guess I feel weird about this because many women see this as sexual harassment, which I understand completely, whereas I like it, and if I admit to liking male attention I feel I'm making it okay for men to give other women unwanted attention. But yeah, this post was great to read.
ReplyDeleteThis blog reminds me of one of my favorite pieces of advice for feminist writers "risk embarrassing yourself, put on your ugliest face....stains are worth talking about." Stains ARE worth talking about. Thank you for writing this. It is brave and honest.
ReplyDeletebeing feminist means being proud of yourself and your femininity and i support anything that makes you feel good. of course in my opinion it is best for confidence to start with you but heck yeah! cat calls are totally flattering and its great to know that someone finds you attractive and you nor they ever have to do anything about it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it makes you "less" of a feminist to enjoy a catcall but please remember that one day you'll be older & less appreciated physically by our culture. Careful where you put your self worth now.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very good and honest post. Honestly, there are times when I think cat-calling is flattering, but it's usually when I specifically want to look like a babe and feel prettier than usual, so it's sort of a 'hey it's nice to be acknowledged when i put some effort into my appearance' thing. But when you're feeling grumpy and wearing normal clothes (like a t-shirt and jeans) and someone cat-calls you, it just throws me off and makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. It's a complicated situation.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI completely identified with this post. Especially when you wrote about your high school inexperience and how it translated over to college. When I was in high school, I had minimal interaction with guys, which made me feel undesirable and have internal conflicts similar to what you've outlined above. Then, I came to college in NYC as well and didn't know what to do when a guy signified interest because I had never encountered a situation like that before. Hearing a catcall and feeling some gratification from it is not a crime, and it doesn't take away from your identification as a feminist. The fact that you established your identity without a boyfriend as a prerequisite cancels out your doubt over not being an "authentic enough" feminist. It's not a crime to enjoy the male gaze and being acknowledged, especially since it hasn't been something you've always needed to feel good about yourself.
ReplyDeleteThis is so good; I'm so grateful for people who just own up to their own "inconsistencies" or whatever you want to call it - no one has their game face on 24/7. There was a debate topic on some local TV show the other night: "Should women expect to be perved* on?" In short: fuck yes, just like men should. We're homo sapiens dude, everyone's checking everyone else out. "Expecting" some sort of behaviour doesn't condone it or justify it, and there's DEFINITELY a line between what should and absolutely should not be expected, but it's like, unless you decide to never step foot out your front door ever again, there's a fair chance somebody's eyes might take in your image.
ReplyDelete*That was the actual quote; the whole conversation would change if they used "leering", obviously.
It's similar to what my friend told me about being called a d*ke (as a slur, by someone NOT reclaiming it but using it as a slur!) and feeling proud because she was read as who she was, a woman and lesbian. She is a trans woman, so spent most time of her life being read as someone else, even now, especially in her family and it's only recent that she can live as a woman. She understand there is no need to feel bad about enjoying it, because she understand why she enjoy it and that her enjoying it doesn't justify them doing that, so she doesn't feel bad about enjoying it.
ReplyDeleteIt just means it answers a need you/she has (feeling desirable, being read as a woman by strangers), and nothing else or very few has come to answer it; as men and society often justify catcalling by saying it's a compliment, you figure some part of them might really intend it as such and you feel complimented.
As long as you don't tell others that they should enjoy being catcalled, it's really not a problem, even if you are a feminist.
somehow you have entered my brain and stolen my thoughts.
ReplyDeletei love this! i have a similar paradox within what I enjoy in bed play. i have gone back and forth with myself for enjoying being dominated in that aspect of my life and if it made me less strong. then i realized nothing is so black and white so i shouldn't beat myself up for it. it's my life and isnt living it how i want is the most important thing.
ReplyDeleteSo I thoroughly recognize that this is NOT an easy subject to talk/write about, I've heard other women make similar comments and no one ever quite knows what to make of their own feelings, I think it's very gutsy of you to try to explore this in "public", and you do it articulately. For me, and part of this has come from seeing how men in gay communities hit on each other-- that is, men's sexuality without the misogyny mixed in--, there is a big difference if someone on the street says to me "you're cute as hell" and if someone says "I'd fuck you so hard I'd break you into quarters"...the first you can take nicely (if you like that sort of thing) the other is plainly sexually aggressive and intended to make you feel unsafe. Both these comments get lumped together as catcalls but they are certainly different in a way that I can't imagine the men making the comments aren't aware of.
ReplyDeleteI AM concerned with the casual misandry here "(...but I hate all men in general)", which sounds to me just as aggressive and inane as "all women are bitches"...desiring to be desired (and desiring others in turn) doesn't have to be so hate-ridden. Yeah, some guys are assholes. Some aren't, and just because they have sexual desire towards women doesn't turn them into assholes, either. (All of that said, no guy I know who I would consider decent makes any sort of comments to women on the street...)
A feminist is someone who strives for equality and dignity without distinction or discrimination based on sex. Equality does not mean "treat me identically", but to find ways in spite of our differences to level the playing field around childcare and domestic responsibilities, which have generally been the sole responsibility of women, making them choose between family or career. Our cultures have been built by men, and structured in some ways to benefit men. Feminists seek ways to entitle women to the same opportunities without them needing to make those sacrifices.
ReplyDeleteCat calls, I've had them since I was about 14, and 12 years later still feel uncomfortable and shy though some are very kind and flattering which leads me to believe no one should mistake a compliment for anything other than that, a compliment.
There are extreme tenants of feminism which I think are self excluding and rooted with some sort of misplaced anger. I don't think anyone should try to live up to those stereotypes thinking you have to be that way to be a feminist. If you believe in my initial definition, that's all you really need to know to call yourself as a feminist. And as a male or female you should be entitled to and respect everyone else's choice to dress like and be whoever you want to be without labels.
You call yourself a feminist yet fail to recognize that your craving for catcalling - a form of sexual harrassment - is a direct result of you being raised within a patriarchy: "Please, please desire me, please, because otherwise I am worth nothing! Please, I need male attention because otherwise I cannot feel sexy and empowered and wonderful about myself!" This is not some fun, kinky gameplay, but truly a sad example of how deeply ingrained patriarchal gender roles have been into all of us, whether we strive to be empowered feminists or not. Like pretty much every woman I know, I despise catcalling and do not find anything flattering about it, especially since I see so many teenage girls having to deal with it, feeling ashamed and humiliated that their bodies get sexualised at such a young age. The hypersexualisation of the female body needs to stop, and posts like yours are truly sad examples of how much work is still ahead of the feminist movement. We women need to learn that the male gaze does not give us validation, does not make us "sexy", heck, even that we do not NEED to "be sexy" in order to be sexual and sensual human beings.
ReplyDeleteare you implying that the desire for sexual validation based on looks wouldn't exist in a gender-equal world? men still need to feel sexually validated by women, despite their apparent role as the dominant sex; you wouldn't accuse a man of wanting to feel sexually desired because he's been brainwashed to need a woman's approval would you? posts like yours are truly sad examples of feminist fascism perpetuating oppressive stereotypes.
DeleteIt's not that we humans can't find each other attractive but the male gaze, I feel, is different than sexual attraction.
DeleteI can't explain it exactly but the male gaze is more objectifying and dehumanizing. A guy (or girl) telling me I'm pretty is different than some pervert on the train not so secretly taking photos of my sister and I without our permission.
I have a love/hate relationship with catcalls too. Growing up, I never felt sexually attractive and in a sick way, it was nice to have validation from (male) strangers. But getting honked at as I just tried to walk down the street minding my own business became less flattering as I learned about patriarchy and male gaze.
Those things take away from me and reduce me to nothing but a body that is expected to serve and exist for others that genuine compliments don't. There is a fine line between compliments off the street and street harassment and I think the rule of the thumb is: if it makes you uncomfortable, you do not have to enjoy it.
It's up to you whether the next time a stranger tells you that you have a nice ass, you flip him off or walk away and say thank you. I think we can trust our instincts when it comes to this but also remember we're all worth more than our physical appearance.
I have no answers, or anything like answers, but thank you for being courageous enough to post this. I feel so similar, and honestly, I'm apathetic about it now. I don't even know what I think, but thank you again.
ReplyDeleteEverything depends on Chinese brand designer anything you want to have on and what suits you. Visualize a predicament the place a male is putting on a cotton solar gown see more, what a hilarious instant it would be.
ReplyDelete